I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize