May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
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My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
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Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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