So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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