dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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