It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
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