"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
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Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
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so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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