i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
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I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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