this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
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Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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