i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
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I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
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She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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