Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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