Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize