I accidentally had phone sex last night
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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