you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
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you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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