I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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