Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Shame - the story of my life.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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