i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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