Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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