I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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