I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
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My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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