She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
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You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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