he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
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Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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