i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
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