What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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