Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
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take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
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How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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