Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
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So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
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You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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