Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
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As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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