So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
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