she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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