So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so let's talk penis.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
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He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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