well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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