I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
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Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
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I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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