I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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