Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
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You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
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Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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