can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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