"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want her autograph on my taint
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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