FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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