I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
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just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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