I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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