My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
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Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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