i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize