Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
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