Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
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Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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