Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
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I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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