Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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