I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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