Sry I called you an 8
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
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I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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