wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
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I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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