Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
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He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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