The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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