she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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